Survivor - Chapter 5 - MY FIRST LOVE

MY FIRST LOVE

For reasons to do with emotional support, I decided to turn my attention to a young man during a crucial time of my life  -hence leaving me with a question: 'was this a prelude to spiritual death' (?), knowing full well that the surge of emotional needs was ever so strong within me, and the attraction between us was spontaneous. The nature of this relationship was of such as to awaken feelings call it infatuation; I don't know what else 

At that time I was twenty-one and he, five years older. ROGER WAS THE IDEAL MAN OF MY DREAMS. In terms of stature, he was five feet nine inches tall, carrying a good body weight of about sixteen stones, enough to earn himself the pet name " BULK- MAN". His eyes were big and bold; Clean shaved, well dressed and well presented. Not only was he academically qualified but skilled in terms of a trade. He was an electrician. For want of family background and status, he was opposite of me in the sense of hailing from a family of good values and sound educational standing  -he being the youngest of siblings living at home with his parents. 

Roger's attraction towards me, was rooted and grounded back there in childhood when as an Electrician, he was employed by my Dad to come and carry out electrical work whilst the building our house was in progress. Contact (in secret) from his beady bold eyes  had never failed to awaken my earliest responses to learn to value and respect his presence! So much so as years rolled over,a deep-seated, and binding attraction was the end product.

Survivor - Chapter 5 - THE BLOSSOMING OF LOVE

THE BLOSSOMING OF LOVE

When Roger first saw me, I COULD FEEL THAT HE LOVED ME THEN. He knew the pressures I was under, better still, he saw my need for emotional support which is why he turned out to be so protective; hence, in the long run making me feel secure and trusting of him. To me, it was an honour to be invited to his home to meet his parents and rest of siblings. This did much to my own personal self-esteem. Given that it took years for me to reach this point, 

My first real job as a kindergarten teacher which instilled a freshness and newness of experience in the sense that it was the job that brought satisfaction and earning power which help me to live independently. Also I felt that this would brought some respect to as I was capable of earning. . WHAT GAVE ME THE 'BUZZ' WAS ROGER ASSUMING VIRTUALLY FULL CHARGE OF MY LIFE. Most evenings he would come to meet me on my way from school. Believe it or not, our most valued and cherished moments were spent in his bedroom at his parent's home comprising lavishing upstairs and downstairs apartments; so yes our 'love nest' was downstairs.

Survivor - Chapter 5 - PSYCHOLOGICAL CONFLICT

PSYCHOLOGICAL CONFLICT

Still for all of this, my mind was not at ease; spending quality time in the privacy of his bedroom was probably not the best way forward since the closer we got, the more physical our demands! We wanted to be locked in each others' arms so as to be entwined for ever and ever. Even the closeness of our breath in utter silence told its own story -how intimate can we get? Day or night made no difference. At times we went too far and this was beginning to worry me. Mingled with all of this I couldn't help feeling strands of gratitude welling-up inside my body. Up till this time, NOBODY HAD EVER MADE ME FEEL LOVED AND WANTED LIKE THIS MAN!  

WHAT AM I DOING WITH AN UNSAVED MAN? As a Christian this is the question I was lumbered with? What is this doing for my status within the church community? At the time I was resident at the home of a church sister, surely there must have been times when she became concerned about my absence especially if I happened to be sleeping over? What of my commitment to values upheld by the church? My difficulties in engaging Roger on any level of discussion to do with Bible or religion was another source of worry -could I get him to listen? No way, he'd just change the subject at random. So now I was torn with the decision to let go of this man and come clean -easily said than done!

Given that my childhood years had been besieged by a catalogue of harsh treatments, why did a loving God allow such abuse to befall me? Day after day I wrestled with these thoughts because I wasn't willing to walk away from a man who gave me as much nurturing as to make me feel wanted and loved; after all ROGER WAS MY FIRST LOVE! It was hard for me to give him up just for the sake of conscience. As a Christian girl, I thought perhaps I should have had the good sense to balance both church and love life. But then I was only fooling myself: Roger was as stubborn as an ox, he wasn't going to walk with me on any Christian path.

Survivor - Chapter 5 - WEB OF DECEPTION

WEB OF DECEPTION

Back to earth once again to face reality was no joke! In admitting my own limitations I was beginning to see how foolish and naive I was. For all I care, this was telling me how little I knew of the outside world let alone men. What do they want? As an innocent and trusting young woman (to the point of thinking all that glitters is gold), I had to learn the hard way. Coming to the realisation that the whole thing was a trap that the Devil was setting and I was about to fall into it.

By the time I was on the verge of getting out I was already drawn into the web.  Stands to reason that Roger's amazing masculine frame, his bold bright eyes and his charm were just for a season -and the season was about to expire! Roger was the web and I became the spider (hence, the moral of the story), i.e. ONCE YOU FALL INTO THAT WEB, GOD HELP YOU IF YOU CAME OUT ALIVE!

Deep deep down, I knew I should not have taken his bedroom for sanctuary nor give him the wonderful satisfaction for which he craved. After all he wasn't serious; Moreover, he knew what he was doing; the Devil was using him to tarnish my innocence and leave me confused. He was the man with the words to blind me with science; ALL HE WAS AFTER WAS A BIT OF FUN ('smiles'). 

Deep deep down I knew what I wanted. For instance, it takes a strong Christian to fend off sugar-coated confidence tricksters looking for a relationship by laying ground rules such as NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE!!! 

In drawing upon my own short-comings and limitations with respect to educational and financial needs, he was well placed to take advantage of my situation. AFTER FIVE MONTHS OF FOOLING AROUND, I SUDDENLY REALISED I WAS PREGNANT. This now caused me to move out of my church sister's house, because she wasn't prepared to tolerate and uphold the lifestyle I was living! 

Survivor - Chapter 5 - SPIRITUAL DEATH

SPIRITUAL DEATH

Spiritual death for me meant two things:  walking away from the believers to hook up with a man who is completely outside the Church family and the other is that of conceiving a child for him - in common law terms would be called 'living in sin' hence my question: WHERE IS MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR? WHAT WERE HIS THOUGHTS AT THIS TIME? WOULD HE BE PREPARED TO COME FULL CIRCLE AND OFFER TO MARRY ME?